Duke Of Web

A recent appearance on How I met Your Mother revealed a decidedly slimmer Britney Spears. She looked so much like the innocent little school girl of yesteryear that it almost made us forget she’s a raging, unstable lunatic. Almost. The new issue of OK magazine is running a cover story detailing the secrets behind her miraculous drop of 15 pounds in 4 weeks. But we have our own theories. Like hanging around Sam Lufti. A few days of Lebanese cuisine and you’d be dropping weight like an HIV patient, too. Or perhaps it was the cocaine binge, inhaling propane, or whatever she was doing that drove her to do things like take a razor to her dome. Also conducive to rapid weight loss is the projectile vomiting she renders every time she signs over a support check to rodent-face Kevin Federline. A Spears confident also told  OK that Brit has “replaced soda and fast food with five, small protein-packed meals a day.” No doubt, served up fresh by estranged boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

What should have been the funniest train wreck of the season was actually not bad. The contestants were forced to choose from the repertoire of unlikely mentor Dolly Parton which should have made for some extremely uncomfortable moments, like David Archuletta singing Parton’s 1980 smash hit 9 to 5. But alas, they all did pretty well. However it was funny for other reasons.

Ramiele Malubay continues to be incredibly short. Despite being only 5′ tall, Dolly was tall enough that Ramiele could motorboat her enormous country bumpkins standing fulling erect. If American Idol doesn’t work out she can always work as a hand puppet.

After being praised for his unique and innovative version of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean last week, David Cook was busted for lifting it from former Soundgarden front man Chris Cornell. I guess he didn’t learn from the debacle a few seasons ago when Chris Daughtry was praised and then subsequently spanked for his interpretation of a Johnny Cash tune, which actually wasn’t his interpretation at all (Live recorded it in 2001). In an interview on Billboard.com, Cornell admits of the Cook rendition “he sang it great, but it was literally a note-for-note take on what I came up with.” Still, Cook continues to deliver every week. It sucks to like him because he reminds me of every arrogant dickhead I encountered in highschool, but it’s hard to argue the guy has talent. In breaking news, Cook was rushed to the hospital Tuesday after experiencing heart palpitations and high blood pressure. Probably due to stress incurred from confusing gaydar signals from Randy.

Ryan Seacrest rushed through the entire show at breakneck speed, necessary to shoehorn all performances into an hour time slot. The best part of a shorter show was not being subjected to that annoying Ford Focus commercial 13 times. “You buy the gas, I’ll buy the food. Heh heh.”

What might first appear to be a horrible accident following a binge on jalapeño nachos is actually just Gisele Bundchen sporting The Best Shorts Ever Created during a photo shoot. While we’ve always considered Gisele a mild victim of butta-face, there’s no denying that her ass ranks highly on the scale of ass. If there was such a thing. By building in a revolutionary ass ventilation system, we give kudos to the designer of these shorts for realizing that functionality is just as important as fashion. Likewise, we chastise the creator of the heated car seat for not realizing that cooked ass is never a good thing. As much as we like them, we must pray that assless shorts never see mass production, unless their usage can be severely regulated. For instance, they should be sold in Miami, but not Wisconsin, the home of cheesy, pale, corn-fed, orange-peeled ass cheeks. And any male caught wearing them who is not part of a Village People tribute band should serve time in an Indonesian prison. Tom Brady is one lucky bastard.

Donatella Versace looks like Angelina Jolie after 20 years in a Queens housing project and getting beaten in the face with a sock full of quarters.

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April Fools, again.

Every time I hear Shadow Of The Day by Stinkin Park, a blatant rip-off of With Or Without You by U2, I want to violently and swiftly rip the ears from my head and shove pencils in the bloody holes. After years of abusing alternative rock radio with their whiny brand of formulaic pseudo-rap-metal, they decided to venture into new melodic territory with Shadow Of The Day. Unfortunately for them, U2 preceded them by 20 years and already wrote the song. Except they did it much better, and Bono didn’t look like Kevin Cronin got in a fight with a bottle of peroxide.

They single-handedly started a movement. A bowel movement. Spreading like a fart in a hurricane, their spawns can be found loitering in front of convenience stores across the country, identified by the obligatory Serg Tankian goatee, gas station attendant inspired wardrobe, forearm tattoos, and no discernible job skills. Separately, none of these attributes are inherently bad, but combine them together and you have the prototypical 21st-century douche. And it’s not just the clothes or the braided goatee. Ay, lest we forget the horrible music! The Stinkin Park formula is about as predictable as Kirk Douglas crapping his diaper.

1. Guitar riff of doom.
2. Windbag, screechy, crybaby chorus.
3. Mexican dude rapping badly, randomly interjected throughout song.
4. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Musicians have been ripping each other off for years. There are only so many ways one can arrange the same 12 notes, so some plagiarism is unavoidable. But these guys take the cake. Then copy it, make another cake, and sell it as their own. Tools.

U2, The Original Pimps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEfSnjL0pd8

Linkin Park Ripoff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_eEE12R8Gw