Duke Of Web

The titan American Idol continues to suck the life out of America every Tuesday, but at least it’s getting shorter as more contestants return home to mass fanfare and car wash openings. Ryan Seacrest, the architect of clever catchphrase “Seacrest…out!” has penned a new opener that is possibly even more annoying.

“This……..(dramatic pause)……………is American Idol………”

Here is our breakdown of last night’s show, by contestant.

Ramiele Malubay: I cringed in discomfort as she stumbled through parts of her performance. She just wasn’t on it. Points though for wearing shorts like the Von Trapp kids in The Sound Of Music, and deliciously wet lip gloss that conjured up thoughts of a dark alley in Bangkok.

Jason Castro: Decent performance. Although the “vulnerable warble” gets a bit old, he’s pretty consistent from week to week and has a cool vibe. Especially entertaining were his excruciating facial contortions, which looked as if he were crapping an entire pineapple. His family is Columbian, so he can always fall back on cocaine trafficking should his music career go nowhere.

Syesha Mercado: Right off the top she scores points for A) looking like sexy jezebel Thandie Newton, and B) because her Dad looks like Barrack Obama. She also delivered a great performance which could have been greatly enhanced by the absence of a shirt. Just my opinion.

David Cooke: We’re usually pretty harsh on this imperious killjoy who’s single-handedly trying to bring back the soul patch. But the dude can sing, even with an extraordinarily large cranium. Unfortunately for him, the singer for Nickelback already has the market cornered for gravely, angst-ridden top-40 butt rock.

Brooke White: More of the same. Good pianist. Still want to be behind her in yoga class when she does the cat stretch. And her Dad looks like Ed Harris.

David Archuleta: Less rapid-tongue-movement this week. The kid is good, but it’s hard to envision him anywhere except waving his hands atop a Disney parade float lip-syncing A Whole New World. Peter Jackson should cast him in The Hobbit.

Michael Johns: What is it with Australian dudes having two first names? He went back to what he does best this week, delivering impassioned yet uneventful productions from the Queen catalog. Simon once again sang his praises in his arbitrary, nonsensical style.

Kristy Lee Cook: She was signed to MCA records long before Idol. But who cares. More importantly, we found this hot pic of her straddling a horse.

Carly Smithson: She won’t make the top 5 but Steve Wynn will probably contract her to play a shitty Vegas showroom for 2 years. We especially enjoyed when the camera panned to her tattoo-faced husband who looked like he wanted to stab Simon through the heart with a screwdriver.

Chikezie: We still maintain he could star as Isaac The Bartender in a Love Boat remake, and sounds like Luther Vandross after the stroke.