Duke Of Web

A recent appearance on How I met Your Mother revealed a decidedly slimmer Britney Spears. She looked so much like the innocent little school girl of yesteryear that it almost made us forget she’s a raging, unstable lunatic. Almost. The new issue of OK magazine is running a cover story detailing the secrets behind her miraculous drop of 15 pounds in 4 weeks. But we have our own theories. Like hanging around Sam Lufti. A few days of Lebanese cuisine and you’d be dropping weight like an HIV patient, too. Or perhaps it was the cocaine binge, inhaling propane, or whatever she was doing that drove her to do things like take a razor to her dome. Also conducive to rapid weight loss is the projectile vomiting she renders every time she signs over a support check to rodent-face Kevin Federline. A Spears confident also told  OK that Brit has “replaced soda and fast food with five, small protein-packed meals a day.” No doubt, served up fresh by estranged boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

Demi Moore reportedly keeps her grandmotherly skin looking youthful and vibrant by subscribing to leech therapy, a process in which blood-sucking leeches are placed on her skin to suck the toxins out of her blood. After a tireless search for evidence, it’s confirmed! This amazing photo reveals Demi Moore receiving leech therapy.

The leech is seen here sucking, just like he did in The Guardian. The head apparatus would suggest he tore himself away from sucking long enough to watch a Rock Of Love marathon starring Brett Michaels. The host appears a bit delirious and disoriented due to the loss of blood, but her skin looks wonderful.

After his recent DUI arrest, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has more in common with Mickey Rourke than just a pasty, lumpy sourpuss mug riddled with ugly as the result of plastic surgery. Rourke was busted in 2007 in Miami for driving under the influence, while navigating a Vespa. His charges should have included being a grown man riding around on a gay European scooter. At least Sambora was popped in a Hummer.

Sambora continues his spree of bad judgment which kicked off a few years ago when Bon Jovi ripped off their own song. By releasing It’s My Life, they assaulted a whole new generation with what is essentially a rehashed, reworked version of Living On A Prayer, a 20-year-old staple of butt rockery. The rash of stupidity continued with dumping piece of ass Denise Richards, although in fairness she was harboring the evil spawn of bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It now concludes with driving around loaded with his 10-year-old daughter Ava, a move that will surely earn him a well-deserved ass-kicking from Ava’s mother, Heather Locklear. The only way things can get worse for Richie is if he gets caught in a New Jersey public restroom snorting blow off Andy Dick’s crank.

We’ve seen plenty of pictures of George’s woman Sarah Larson, but usually she’s hobbling around on crutches or fully clothed, neither of which is very hot. Our first glimpses of Sarah followed an unfortunate motorcycle accident last year in which Clooney attempted to circumvent traffic laws and pass a Mazda making a right turn. Sarah came away with a broken foot, probably for planting it firmly in Clooney’s ass for driving like an asshole. Before servicing movie stars, Sarah’s previous gigs included eating scorpions on Fear Factor and serving booze to suicidal gamblers at The Palms in Las Vegas. Here for your amusement are some old pictures of Sarah enjoying some delightful girl-on-girl fun as a “go-go dancer” in Las Vegas. It also goes to show you that you can crank out a stinker like Ocean’s 13 and still live like a sultan.

If only that were true. If only he could succeed where Lance Bass failed, joining the Russians to be thrust into the exosphere where an unfortunate mishap would result in instant atomization. But the perma-grinned socialite with the luxurious wavy golden mane remains earthbound, blessing us with his existence. Everything about this tool is annoying, from his unnatural orange glow to his pompous first name. Unless he finds the cure for cancer or starts working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, he’s just using up valuable oxygen, prancing around Hollywood seeking out photo ops with his surgically altered and equally useless girlfriend, Heidi Montag. Actually, that’s not fair. Heidi does have one redeeming quality; frequent parading of her 22-year-old bikini-clad ass amidst paparazzi armed with an arsenal of cameras. We’re still waiting for the dirty photos to surface, like those of compatriot Audrina Partidge. Or at the very least, a Britney Spears-style upskirt as she exits a taxi.