Duke Of Web

Never before has someone capitalized on their 15 minutes like American Idol whipping boy and Hindi pimp Sanjaya Malakar. Apparently he was important enough to invite to the recent White House Correspondence Dinner. I guess Todd Bridges couldn’t make it. Here he is with his patented shit-eating grin cozying up to MILF’s Valeri Bertinelli and Teri Hatcher, whom he may have tag-teamed in the Lincoln suite if his maniacal smile is any indication. Is it just me, or does Valery Bertinelli look like she swan dove off the Nutrisystem wagon and ingested a small Korean child? It’s great to see the chiclet-toothed muppet flipping the bird to legions of haters by hobnobbing with a steady stream of Hollywood tail. The only explanation for that insane grin is that he’s hung like a baby’s arm. Cosmic justice would then be served. We like Sanjaya, but realistically his only shot of holding onto fame is to get cast as Mowgli in The Jungle Book on Broadway, opposite Rosie O’Donnell’s Balou.

Not really. But they should be. Benji, for dumping amazing piece of tail Sophie Monk to run around with gimp-eyed Paris. And Paris for…well, being Paris. The two trend setters are seen here exiting Maestros Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Monday. Maybe Benji has has finally realized veganism is bullshit and is embracing the primal need present in every man: the need to devour animal flesh. Fueled by meat, maybe Good Charlotte will produce some listenable music now. Also disturbing is the matching fedoras. I call for a congressional bill that stations government snipers atop every building within 50 miles of Los Angeles, taking out anyone under the age of 60 wearing a fedora. Sammy Davis Jr. was cool in a fedora. Kevin Federline, Justin Tiberlake, and Ashton Kutcher are not.

Caught Carrot Top at the Luxor in Las Vegas recently where he’s under contract. It was actually a pretty good show, even though he still uses the same “I’m Wendy” gag from 13 years ago. But unlike then, he’s disturbingly yoked now. I guess he didn’t take a page from the Joe Piscopo biography, “How To Ruin A Comedy Career By Getting Yoked.” Muscles aren’t funny. Well, Lou Feringo is funny, but only when he talks. Actually, I’d like to see a remake of The Incredible Hulk where Nicole Kidman catches Keith Urban snorting coke, gets really pissed off, and morphs into Carrot Top. Then helicopter spins Keith Urban and slams him through a plate glass window for trying to sound like he’s from Kentucky.