Duke Of Web

Donatella Versace looks like Angelina Jolie after 20 years in a Queens housing project and getting beaten in the face with a sock full of quarters.

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After his recent DUI arrest, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has more in common with Mickey Rourke than just a pasty, lumpy sourpuss mug riddled with ugly as the result of plastic surgery. Rourke was busted in 2007 in Miami for driving under the influence, while navigating a Vespa. His charges should have included being a grown man riding around on a gay European scooter. At least Sambora was popped in a Hummer.

Sambora continues his spree of bad judgment which kicked off a few years ago when Bon Jovi ripped off their own song. By releasing It’s My Life, they assaulted a whole new generation with what is essentially a rehashed, reworked version of Living On A Prayer, a 20-year-old staple of butt rockery. The rash of stupidity continued with dumping piece of ass Denise Richards, although in fairness she was harboring the evil spawn of bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It now concludes with driving around loaded with his 10-year-old daughter Ava, a move that will surely earn him a well-deserved ass-kicking from Ava’s mother, Heather Locklear. The only way things can get worse for Richie is if he gets caught in a New Jersey public restroom snorting blow off Andy Dick’s crank.

The titan American Idol continues to suck the life out of America every Tuesday, but at least it’s getting shorter as more contestants return home to mass fanfare and car wash openings. Ryan Seacrest, the architect of clever catchphrase “Seacrest…out!” has penned a new opener that is possibly even more annoying.

“This……..(dramatic pause)……………is American Idol………”

Here is our breakdown of last night’s show, by contestant.

Ramiele Malubay: I cringed in discomfort as she stumbled through parts of her performance. She just wasn’t on it. Points though for wearing shorts like the Von Trapp kids in The Sound Of Music, and deliciously wet lip gloss that conjured up thoughts of a dark alley in Bangkok.

Jason Castro: Decent performance. Although the “vulnerable warble” gets a bit old, he’s pretty consistent from week to week and has a cool vibe. Especially entertaining were his excruciating facial contortions, which looked as if he were crapping an entire pineapple. His family is Columbian, so he can always fall back on cocaine trafficking should his music career go nowhere.

Syesha Mercado: Right off the top she scores points for A) looking like sexy jezebel Thandie Newton, and B) because her Dad looks like Barrack Obama. She also delivered a great performance which could have been greatly enhanced by the absence of a shirt. Just my opinion.

David Cooke: We’re usually pretty harsh on this imperious killjoy who’s single-handedly trying to bring back the soul patch. But the dude can sing, even with an extraordinarily large cranium. Unfortunately for him, the singer for Nickelback already has the market cornered for gravely, angst-ridden top-40 butt rock.

Brooke White: More of the same. Good pianist. Still want to be behind her in yoga class when she does the cat stretch. And her Dad looks like Ed Harris.

David Archuleta: Less rapid-tongue-movement this week. The kid is good, but it’s hard to envision him anywhere except waving his hands atop a Disney parade float lip-syncing A Whole New World. Peter Jackson should cast him in The Hobbit.

Michael Johns: What is it with Australian dudes having two first names? He went back to what he does best this week, delivering impassioned yet uneventful productions from the Queen catalog. Simon once again sang his praises in his arbitrary, nonsensical style.

Kristy Lee Cook: She was signed to MCA records long before Idol. But who cares. More importantly, we found this hot pic of her straddling a horse.

Carly Smithson: She won’t make the top 5 but Steve Wynn will probably contract her to play a shitty Vegas showroom for 2 years. We especially enjoyed when the camera panned to her tattoo-faced husband who looked like he wanted to stab Simon through the heart with a screwdriver.

Chikezie: We still maintain he could star as Isaac The Bartender in a Love Boat remake, and sounds like Luther Vandross after the stroke.

What do you get when you take 30 years, top-40 gold and every last shred of musical talent away from Canadian rock legend Bryan Adams? You get Aaron Carter! The 1990’s boy wonder and former Disney darling does have one other thing in common with Adams besides flippant Kevin Bacon-inspired hair and rugged good looks; an unfortunate skin condition that left both with pizza face. Fortunately, model-good-looks aren’t required to sell records. Otherwise we’d never have the masterpiece Everything I do, I do For You, which has helped legions of high-school kids cop a feel of ass at senior proms. Adams has a prolific catalog of music that helped define an entire generation. Carter’s only real claim to fame at this point is that his finger smells like Lindsey Lohan. No longer Disney’s bitch, he’s moved on to bigger and better things. Like getting arrested in February for speeding and possessing stank weed while driving through Texas.

Amy Winehouse is so emaciated now that she looks like a polio-stricken, transgender, tapdancing freakshow. How awesome would it be if she came out in leggings and twirling an umbrella while singing her smash hit Rehab. Maybe she’s on a hunger strike until her hubby, junkie and inmate Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from prison. Last year, the couple beat the living shit out of each other and made news when photos of Amy’s bloodied mug were all over the internet. Apparently he punched her in the thyroid, because she’s about 5 pounds away from being adopted by Madonna. By the way, if you don’t know who The Goddess Bunny is, you’ve missed out on possibly the creepiest video ever. As a public service, we bring to you now for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!