Duke Of Web

A recent appearance on How I met Your Mother revealed a decidedly slimmer Britney Spears. She looked so much like the innocent little school girl of yesteryear that it almost made us forget she’s a raging, unstable lunatic. Almost. The new issue of OK magazine is running a cover story detailing the secrets behind her miraculous drop of 15 pounds in 4 weeks. But we have our own theories. Like hanging around Sam Lufti. A few days of Lebanese cuisine and you’d be dropping weight like an HIV patient, too. Or perhaps it was the cocaine binge, inhaling propane, or whatever she was doing that drove her to do things like take a razor to her dome. Also conducive to rapid weight loss is the projectile vomiting she renders every time she signs over a support check to rodent-face Kevin Federline. A Spears confident also told  OK that Brit has “replaced soda and fast food with five, small protein-packed meals a day.” No doubt, served up fresh by estranged boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

Bird Face Charlie Sheen was spotted strangling a puppy in a Santa Monica park on Monday while an 8-year-old girl watched in horror nearby, crying hysterically.

April Fools.

However, Bird Face does continue his tradition of douche baggery with his latest plea to the public to boycott ex-wife Denise Richard’s reality show. He’s continually campaigning to bury Richards in the media as a bad mother. Meanwhile, he’s out giving cleveland steamers to Ashley Dupre and publicly dating porn stars. That is, between stints in rehab. We say it’s high time someone calls Sheen on his bullshit.

In legal documents filed in 2006, Richards details Sheen’s physical and psychological abuse, repeatedly threatening to harm her and their children when any mention was made of his addictions to gambling, drugs, hookers and pornography. In February, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss went public with Sheen’s fetish for taking limo rides with a tranny. She also claims to have video footage. Dear God, please let that video surface. If you do, I promise to never drink again, or steal money from the Jerry’s Kids bucket.

Sheen is a bird-faced, hypocritical douche who thinks he’s above the karma of morality and decency because he’s on a hit show and gets his salad perpetually tossed by Hollywood. I hope a rabid squirrel attacks his bird face. He’s in line right behind Andrea Yates as “Parent Of The Year.”

After his recent DUI arrest, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has more in common with Mickey Rourke than just a pasty, lumpy sourpuss mug riddled with ugly as the result of plastic surgery. Rourke was busted in 2007 in Miami for driving under the influence, while navigating a Vespa. His charges should have included being a grown man riding around on a gay European scooter. At least Sambora was popped in a Hummer.

Sambora continues his spree of bad judgment which kicked off a few years ago when Bon Jovi ripped off their own song. By releasing It’s My Life, they assaulted a whole new generation with what is essentially a rehashed, reworked version of Living On A Prayer, a 20-year-old staple of butt rockery. The rash of stupidity continued with dumping piece of ass Denise Richards, although in fairness she was harboring the evil spawn of bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It now concludes with driving around loaded with his 10-year-old daughter Ava, a move that will surely earn him a well-deserved ass-kicking from Ava’s mother, Heather Locklear. The only way things can get worse for Richie is if he gets caught in a New Jersey public restroom snorting blow off Andy Dick’s crank.

Neighbors near Christina Aguilera’s Beverly Hills mansion are complaining that the Dirty girl and her husband are disturbing the peace with their rambunctious naked frolicking in the swimming pool. The couple, who welcomed Son Max in January, recently purchased the mansion which once belonged to bat decapitator Ozzie Osbourne and his wacky family.

As Christina explained to Star magazine “On Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cosy and laid back. We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other. We do everything naked. We even cook naked.”

These poor assholes can’t seem to get a break. First they’re subjected to the MTV film crew leaving Burger King wrappers and Red Bull cans on the grass, and the extreme misfortune of living next to annoying, nappy-headed, bespectacled Jack Osbourne along with sister Kelly, who looks like Nathan Lane in a wig. Then, as if life couldn’t get any worse, a naked blond moves in. Can a category 4 hurricane be far behind?

Unfortunately their joy was short-lived when the Osbournes moved out, only to be replaced by a hot young blond starlet with enormous flesh pillows who likes to swim naked. In calling the police, the nosy neighbors defied logic by not following common-sense protocol, which includes immediate purchase of high-powered binoculars and punching yourself in the face for being so gay.

Poor Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis. Just as it breaks that The Most Famous Ho In The World was once in his stable of underaged, drunken, breast-baring high-school girls, the smug and condescending DVD pimp is fending off a variety of federal criminal and tax evasion charges. While most of us feared only a severe beating from the father of a single high-school girl for inappropriate touching, Francis turned it into an industry. Meanwhile, his fledgling, Ashley Dupre, is building an enormous career out of blowing a governor and administering yellow discipline to bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It’s like 6 degrees of separation. Ashley Dupre is the new Kevin Bacon.Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Girls Gone Wild video featuring Ashley. Now you can watch it from the comfort and privacy of your computer, huddled away in a dark corner late at night as the kids sleep, instead of sneakily watching those annoying GGW infomercials, toggling the channel button on the remote to quickly change to the Discovery Channel when your wife walks in.