Duke Of Web

A recent appearance on How I met Your Mother revealed a decidedly slimmer Britney Spears. She looked so much like the innocent little school girl of yesteryear that it almost made us forget she’s a raging, unstable lunatic. Almost. The new issue of OK magazine is running a cover story detailing the secrets behind her miraculous drop of 15 pounds in 4 weeks. But we have our own theories. Like hanging around Sam Lufti. A few days of Lebanese cuisine and you’d be dropping weight like an HIV patient, too. Or perhaps it was the cocaine binge, inhaling propane, or whatever she was doing that drove her to do things like take a razor to her dome. Also conducive to rapid weight loss is the projectile vomiting she renders every time she signs over a support check to rodent-face Kevin Federline. A Spears confident also told  OK that Brit has “replaced soda and fast food with five, small protein-packed meals a day.” No doubt, served up fresh by estranged boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

What should have been the funniest train wreck of the season was actually not bad. The contestants were forced to choose from the repertoire of unlikely mentor Dolly Parton which should have made for some extremely uncomfortable moments, like David Archuletta singing Parton’s 1980 smash hit 9 to 5. But alas, they all did pretty well. However it was funny for other reasons.

Ramiele Malubay continues to be incredibly short. Despite being only 5′ tall, Dolly was tall enough that Ramiele could motorboat her enormous country bumpkins standing fulling erect. If American Idol doesn’t work out she can always work as a hand puppet.

After being praised for his unique and innovative version of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean last week, David Cook was busted for lifting it from former Soundgarden front man Chris Cornell. I guess he didn’t learn from the debacle a few seasons ago when Chris Daughtry was praised and then subsequently spanked for his interpretation of a Johnny Cash tune, which actually wasn’t his interpretation at all (Live recorded it in 2001). In an interview on Billboard.com, Cornell admits of the Cook rendition “he sang it great, but it was literally a note-for-note take on what I came up with.” Still, Cook continues to deliver every week. It sucks to like him because he reminds me of every arrogant dickhead I encountered in highschool, but it’s hard to argue the guy has talent. In breaking news, Cook was rushed to the hospital Tuesday after experiencing heart palpitations and high blood pressure. Probably due to stress incurred from confusing gaydar signals from Randy.

Ryan Seacrest rushed through the entire show at breakneck speed, necessary to shoehorn all performances into an hour time slot. The best part of a shorter show was not being subjected to that annoying Ford Focus commercial 13 times. “You buy the gas, I’ll buy the food. Heh heh.”

The titan American Idol continues to suck the life out of America every Tuesday, but at least it’s getting shorter as more contestants return home to mass fanfare and car wash openings. Ryan Seacrest, the architect of clever catchphrase “Seacrest…out!” has penned a new opener that is possibly even more annoying.

“This……..(dramatic pause)……………is American Idol………”

Here is our breakdown of last night’s show, by contestant.

Ramiele Malubay: I cringed in discomfort as she stumbled through parts of her performance. She just wasn’t on it. Points though for wearing shorts like the Von Trapp kids in The Sound Of Music, and deliciously wet lip gloss that conjured up thoughts of a dark alley in Bangkok.

Jason Castro: Decent performance. Although the “vulnerable warble” gets a bit old, he’s pretty consistent from week to week and has a cool vibe. Especially entertaining were his excruciating facial contortions, which looked as if he were crapping an entire pineapple. His family is Columbian, so he can always fall back on cocaine trafficking should his music career go nowhere.

Syesha Mercado: Right off the top she scores points for A) looking like sexy jezebel Thandie Newton, and B) because her Dad looks like Barrack Obama. She also delivered a great performance which could have been greatly enhanced by the absence of a shirt. Just my opinion.

David Cooke: We’re usually pretty harsh on this imperious killjoy who’s single-handedly trying to bring back the soul patch. But the dude can sing, even with an extraordinarily large cranium. Unfortunately for him, the singer for Nickelback already has the market cornered for gravely, angst-ridden top-40 butt rock.

Brooke White: More of the same. Good pianist. Still want to be behind her in yoga class when she does the cat stretch. And her Dad looks like Ed Harris.

David Archuleta: Less rapid-tongue-movement this week. The kid is good, but it’s hard to envision him anywhere except waving his hands atop a Disney parade float lip-syncing A Whole New World. Peter Jackson should cast him in The Hobbit.

Michael Johns: What is it with Australian dudes having two first names? He went back to what he does best this week, delivering impassioned yet uneventful productions from the Queen catalog. Simon once again sang his praises in his arbitrary, nonsensical style.

Kristy Lee Cook: She was signed to MCA records long before Idol. But who cares. More importantly, we found this hot pic of her straddling a horse.

Carly Smithson: She won’t make the top 5 but Steve Wynn will probably contract her to play a shitty Vegas showroom for 2 years. We especially enjoyed when the camera panned to her tattoo-faced husband who looked like he wanted to stab Simon through the heart with a screwdriver.

Chikezie: We still maintain he could star as Isaac The Bartender in a Love Boat remake, and sounds like Luther Vandross after the stroke.

Socialite Kim Kardashian has reportedly insured her magnificent ass for $1,000,000. While we agree that it is a spectacular ass, it begs a few questions. What on earth could possibly happen to her ass? Does her ass generate income that could be compromised by injury? Does she shit gold nuggets? Perhaps she’ll accidentally eat a crate of jalapeños. Maybe she’ll be the victim of the flesh-eating virus which will devour her meaty ass cheeks. Maybe she’ll sit on an abandoned land mine during a goodwill trip to the Vietnam congo. Maybe she’s just worried about Reggie Bush getting too adventurous.

Finally, Audrina Partridge from The Hills gives us a reason to care instead of praying that a construction crane falls off a building as she’s walking by. If only her castmates would meet a similar grisly demise, only to be redeemed by giving something worthwhile back to society like amateur porn video captured on a disgruntled MTV employee’s cell phone. Photos have recently surfaced of Audrina sans clothes. As these pictures reveal, the reality whore is sporting a pretty nice package. This brings home the harsh reality that your thesis from MIT on molecular robotics will never afford you the same lifestyle as Audrina, whom by virtue of simply being born with this magnificent, natural rack will have a much better life than you. The story is that she did a photo shoot just out of high school for the purpose of shopping herself to Playboy magazine. But Playboy declined, and she went back to slinging lo mien at Panda Express until tapped to join popular MTV production The Hills in 2005. Enjoy these pics of beautiful, nubile 19-year-old nussie, because as we write this Polly Shore is probably on the verge of announcing he’s the father of her growing fetus. She’s hot now, but so was Delta Burke.

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