Duke Of Web

April Fools, again.

Every time I hear Shadow Of The Day by Stinkin Park, a blatant rip-off of With Or Without You by U2, I want to violently and swiftly rip the ears from my head and shove pencils in the bloody holes. After years of abusing alternative rock radio with their whiny brand of formulaic pseudo-rap-metal, they decided to venture into new melodic territory with Shadow Of The Day. Unfortunately for them, U2 preceded them by 20 years and already wrote the song. Except they did it much better, and Bono didn’t look like Kevin Cronin got in a fight with a bottle of peroxide.

They single-handedly started a movement. A bowel movement. Spreading like a fart in a hurricane, their spawns can be found loitering in front of convenience stores across the country, identified by the obligatory Serg Tankian goatee, gas station attendant inspired wardrobe, forearm tattoos, and no discernible job skills. Separately, none of these attributes are inherently bad, but combine them together and you have the prototypical 21st-century douche. And it’s not just the clothes or the braided goatee. Ay, lest we forget the horrible music! The Stinkin Park formula is about as predictable as Kirk Douglas crapping his diaper.

1. Guitar riff of doom.
2. Windbag, screechy, crybaby chorus.
3. Mexican dude rapping badly, randomly interjected throughout song.
4. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Musicians have been ripping each other off for years. There are only so many ways one can arrange the same 12 notes, so some plagiarism is unavoidable. But these guys take the cake. Then copy it, make another cake, and sell it as their own. Tools.

U2, The Original Pimps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEfSnjL0pd8

Linkin Park Ripoff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_eEE12R8Gw

Bird Face Charlie Sheen was spotted strangling a puppy in a Santa Monica park on Monday while an 8-year-old girl watched in horror nearby, crying hysterically.

April Fools.

However, Bird Face does continue his tradition of douche baggery with his latest plea to the public to boycott ex-wife Denise Richard’s reality show. He’s continually campaigning to bury Richards in the media as a bad mother. Meanwhile, he’s out giving cleveland steamers to Ashley Dupre and publicly dating porn stars. That is, between stints in rehab. We say it’s high time someone calls Sheen on his bullshit.

In legal documents filed in 2006, Richards details Sheen’s physical and psychological abuse, repeatedly threatening to harm her and their children when any mention was made of his addictions to gambling, drugs, hookers and pornography. In February, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss went public with Sheen’s fetish for taking limo rides with a tranny. She also claims to have video footage. Dear God, please let that video surface. If you do, I promise to never drink again, or steal money from the Jerry’s Kids bucket.

Sheen is a bird-faced, hypocritical douche who thinks he’s above the karma of morality and decency because he’s on a hit show and gets his salad perpetually tossed by Hollywood. I hope a rabid squirrel attacks his bird face. He’s in line right behind Andrea Yates as “Parent Of The Year.”

Elliot Spitzer rightfully stepped down from his post as governor of New York today after getting busted sampling 22-year-old hooker box. Do we really want a politician running a state so fiscally irresponsible that he spent 4 grand on a piece of tail that he could have scored off Craigslist for 200 bucks? Especially comical was the subsequent press conference in which he gave a robotic, unemotional apology while his wife burned holes in the side of his head with her laser-like gaze. Now being seduced by young tang has been the plight of every man since the begining of time, so we can’t fault him for that. But being a hypocritical windbag who spent years prosecuting and destroying people for doing the same thing makes Spitzer our Tool Of The Day.