Duke Of Web

A recent appearance on How I met Your Mother revealed a decidedly slimmer Britney Spears. She looked so much like the innocent little school girl of yesteryear that it almost made us forget she’s a raging, unstable lunatic. Almost. The new issue of OK magazine is running a cover story detailing the secrets behind her miraculous drop of 15 pounds in 4 weeks. But we have our own theories. Like hanging around Sam Lufti. A few days of Lebanese cuisine and you’d be dropping weight like an HIV patient, too. Or perhaps it was the cocaine binge, inhaling propane, or whatever she was doing that drove her to do things like take a razor to her dome. Also conducive to rapid weight loss is the projectile vomiting she renders every time she signs over a support check to rodent-face Kevin Federline. A Spears confident also told  OK that Brit has “replaced soda and fast food with five, small protein-packed meals a day.” No doubt, served up fresh by estranged boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

Demi Moore reportedly keeps her grandmotherly skin looking youthful and vibrant by subscribing to leech therapy, a process in which blood-sucking leeches are placed on her skin to suck the toxins out of her blood. After a tireless search for evidence, it’s confirmed! This amazing photo reveals Demi Moore receiving leech therapy.

The leech is seen here sucking, just like he did in The Guardian. The head apparatus would suggest he tore himself away from sucking long enough to watch a Rock Of Love marathon starring Brett Michaels. The host appears a bit delirious and disoriented due to the loss of blood, but her skin looks wonderful.

Neighbors near Christina Aguilera’s Beverly Hills mansion are complaining that the Dirty girl and her husband are disturbing the peace with their rambunctious naked frolicking in the swimming pool. The couple, who welcomed Son Max in January, recently purchased the mansion which once belonged to bat decapitator Ozzie Osbourne and his wacky family.

As Christina explained to Star magazine “On Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cosy and laid back. We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other. We do everything naked. We even cook naked.”

These poor assholes can’t seem to get a break. First they’re subjected to the MTV film crew leaving Burger King wrappers and Red Bull cans on the grass, and the extreme misfortune of living next to annoying, nappy-headed, bespectacled Jack Osbourne along with sister Kelly, who looks like Nathan Lane in a wig. Then, as if life couldn’t get any worse, a naked blond moves in. Can a category 4 hurricane be far behind?

Unfortunately their joy was short-lived when the Osbournes moved out, only to be replaced by a hot young blond starlet with enormous flesh pillows who likes to swim naked. In calling the police, the nosy neighbors defied logic by not following common-sense protocol, which includes immediate purchase of high-powered binoculars and punching yourself in the face for being so gay.

Amy Winehouse is so emaciated now that she looks like a polio-stricken, transgender, tapdancing freakshow. How awesome would it be if she came out in leggings and twirling an umbrella while singing her smash hit Rehab. Maybe she’s on a hunger strike until her hubby, junkie and inmate Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from prison. Last year, the couple beat the living shit out of each other and made news when photos of Amy’s bloodied mug were all over the internet. Apparently he punched her in the thyroid, because she’s about 5 pounds away from being adopted by Madonna. By the way, if you don’t know who The Goddess Bunny is, you’ve missed out on possibly the creepiest video ever. As a public service, we bring to you now for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Jealous of the notoriety received by a fellow stingray who harpooned and delivered swift death to The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, an acrobatic counterpart followed suit in the Florida Keys today when it leapt out of the ocean into a boat, stabbing a woman in the neck with it’s barb. The resulting collision knocked her to the deck where she perished.

Son of a bitch. You go all the way out in the middle of the ocean to get some well-deserved peace and relaxation, only to have the Michael Jordan of stingrays fly out of the murky depths and stab you in the neck. I vote to make sushi out of all these bastards.