Duke Of Web

What should have been the funniest train wreck of the season was actually not bad. The contestants were forced to choose from the repertoire of unlikely mentor Dolly Parton which should have made for some extremely uncomfortable moments, like David Archuletta singing Parton’s 1980 smash hit 9 to 5. But alas, they all did pretty well. However it was funny for other reasons.

Ramiele Malubay continues to be incredibly short. Despite being only 5′ tall, Dolly was tall enough that Ramiele could motorboat her enormous country bumpkins standing fulling erect. If American Idol doesn’t work out she can always work as a hand puppet.

After being praised for his unique and innovative version of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean last week, David Cook was busted for lifting it from former Soundgarden front man Chris Cornell. I guess he didn’t learn from the debacle a few seasons ago when Chris Daughtry was praised and then subsequently spanked for his interpretation of a Johnny Cash tune, which actually wasn’t his interpretation at all (Live recorded it in 2001). In an interview on Billboard.com, Cornell admits of the Cook rendition “he sang it great, but it was literally a note-for-note take on what I came up with.” Still, Cook continues to deliver every week. It sucks to like him because he reminds me of every arrogant dickhead I encountered in highschool, but it’s hard to argue the guy has talent. In breaking news, Cook was rushed to the hospital Tuesday after experiencing heart palpitations and high blood pressure. Probably due to stress incurred from confusing gaydar signals from Randy.

Ryan Seacrest rushed through the entire show at breakneck speed, necessary to shoehorn all performances into an hour time slot. The best part of a shorter show was not being subjected to that annoying Ford Focus commercial 13 times. “You buy the gas, I’ll buy the food. Heh heh.”