Duke Of Web

Bird Face Charlie Sheen was spotted strangling a puppy in a Santa Monica park on Monday while an 8-year-old girl watched in horror nearby, crying hysterically.

April Fools.

However, Bird Face does continue his tradition of douche baggery with his latest plea to the public to boycott ex-wife Denise Richard’s reality show. He’s continually campaigning to bury Richards in the media as a bad mother. Meanwhile, he’s out giving cleveland steamers to Ashley Dupre and publicly dating porn stars. That is, between stints in rehab. We say it’s high time someone calls Sheen on his bullshit.

In legal documents filed in 2006, Richards details Sheen’s physical and psychological abuse, repeatedly threatening to harm her and their children when any mention was made of his addictions to gambling, drugs, hookers and pornography. In February, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss went public with Sheen’s fetish for taking limo rides with a tranny. She also claims to have video footage. Dear God, please let that video surface. If you do, I promise to never drink again, or steal money from the Jerry’s Kids bucket.

Sheen is a bird-faced, hypocritical douche who thinks he’s above the karma of morality and decency because he’s on a hit show and gets his salad perpetually tossed by Hollywood. I hope a rabid squirrel attacks his bird face. He’s in line right behind Andrea Yates as “Parent Of The Year.”

Demi Moore reportedly keeps her grandmotherly skin looking youthful and vibrant by subscribing to leech therapy, a process in which blood-sucking leeches are placed on her skin to suck the toxins out of her blood. After a tireless search for evidence, it’s confirmed! This amazing photo reveals Demi Moore receiving leech therapy.

The leech is seen here sucking, just like he did in The Guardian. The head apparatus would suggest he tore himself away from sucking long enough to watch a Rock Of Love marathon starring Brett Michaels. The host appears a bit delirious and disoriented due to the loss of blood, but her skin looks wonderful.

After his recent DUI arrest, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has more in common with Mickey Rourke than just a pasty, lumpy sourpuss mug riddled with ugly as the result of plastic surgery. Rourke was busted in 2007 in Miami for driving under the influence, while navigating a Vespa. His charges should have included being a grown man riding around on a gay European scooter. At least Sambora was popped in a Hummer.

Sambora continues his spree of bad judgment which kicked off a few years ago when Bon Jovi ripped off their own song. By releasing It’s My Life, they assaulted a whole new generation with what is essentially a rehashed, reworked version of Living On A Prayer, a 20-year-old staple of butt rockery. The rash of stupidity continued with dumping piece of ass Denise Richards, although in fairness she was harboring the evil spawn of bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It now concludes with driving around loaded with his 10-year-old daughter Ava, a move that will surely earn him a well-deserved ass-kicking from Ava’s mother, Heather Locklear. The only way things can get worse for Richie is if he gets caught in a New Jersey public restroom snorting blow off Andy Dick’s crank.

We’ve seen plenty of pictures of George’s woman Sarah Larson, but usually she’s hobbling around on crutches or fully clothed, neither of which is very hot. Our first glimpses of Sarah followed an unfortunate motorcycle accident last year in which Clooney attempted to circumvent traffic laws and pass a Mazda making a right turn. Sarah came away with a broken foot, probably for planting it firmly in Clooney’s ass for driving like an asshole. Before servicing movie stars, Sarah’s previous gigs included eating scorpions on Fear Factor and serving booze to suicidal gamblers at The Palms in Las Vegas. Here for your amusement are some old pictures of Sarah enjoying some delightful girl-on-girl fun as a “go-go dancer” in Las Vegas. It also goes to show you that you can crank out a stinker like Ocean’s 13 and still live like a sultan.

Neighbors near Christina Aguilera’s Beverly Hills mansion are complaining that the Dirty girl and her husband are disturbing the peace with their rambunctious naked frolicking in the swimming pool. The couple, who welcomed Son Max in January, recently purchased the mansion which once belonged to bat decapitator Ozzie Osbourne and his wacky family.

As Christina explained to Star magazine “On Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cosy and laid back. We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other. We do everything naked. We even cook naked.”

These poor assholes can’t seem to get a break. First they’re subjected to the MTV film crew leaving Burger King wrappers and Red Bull cans on the grass, and the extreme misfortune of living next to annoying, nappy-headed, bespectacled Jack Osbourne along with sister Kelly, who looks like Nathan Lane in a wig. Then, as if life couldn’t get any worse, a naked blond moves in. Can a category 4 hurricane be far behind?

Unfortunately their joy was short-lived when the Osbournes moved out, only to be replaced by a hot young blond starlet with enormous flesh pillows who likes to swim naked. In calling the police, the nosy neighbors defied logic by not following common-sense protocol, which includes immediate purchase of high-powered binoculars and punching yourself in the face for being so gay.