Duke Of Web

Smug sourpuss Victoria Beckham is the new face behind the latest Marc Jacobs campaign. Here she is in a recent ad, struggling to hold up a $2000 hand bag with her scrawny, orange-tinted, malnourished arms. A formidable piece of tail back in the original Spice Girl days, she’s now just one bone through the nose away from joining a Polynesian tribe. Besides sporting an always-present facial expression that looks like she just ate a spoon full of dog shit, she’s exhibiting other bizarre behavior like running around with scientology robots Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Meanwhile, perpetually injured soccer star husband David Beckham continues to build his empire by making uncomfortable guest appearances on Snoop Dog’s Fatherhood and pimping his new cologne line. If a fiery meteor should crash into the earth, please let it land on their twenty-two-million-dollar Italian Villa overlooking Beverly Hills, before rolling down into the valley to engulf the home of David Hasselhoff in cosmic radiation.

Amy Winehouse is so emaciated now that she looks like a polio-stricken, transgender, tapdancing freakshow. How awesome would it be if she came out in leggings and twirling an umbrella while singing her smash hit Rehab. Maybe she’s on a hunger strike until her hubby, junkie and inmate Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from prison. Last year, the couple beat the living shit out of each other and made news when photos of Amy’s bloodied mug were all over the internet. Apparently he punched her in the thyroid, because she’s about 5 pounds away from being adopted by Madonna. By the way, if you don’t know who The Goddess Bunny is, you’ve missed out on possibly the creepiest video ever. As a public service, we bring to you now for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Have a fantastic Easter! Let’s take a moment to remember what Easter is really all about. That’s right…blatant commercialism, tooth decay, and eating ham with relatives you don’t even like. And naughty bunnies.

Socialite Kim Kardashian has reportedly insured her magnificent ass for $1,000,000. While we agree that it is a spectacular ass, it begs a few questions. What on earth could possibly happen to her ass? Does her ass generate income that could be compromised by injury? Does she shit gold nuggets? Perhaps she’ll accidentally eat a crate of jalapeños. Maybe she’ll be the victim of the flesh-eating virus which will devour her meaty ass cheeks. Maybe she’ll sit on an abandoned land mine during a goodwill trip to the Vietnam congo. Maybe she’s just worried about Reggie Bush getting too adventurous.

Poor Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis. Just as it breaks that The Most Famous Ho In The World was once in his stable of underaged, drunken, breast-baring high-school girls, the smug and condescending DVD pimp is fending off a variety of federal criminal and tax evasion charges. While most of us feared only a severe beating from the father of a single high-school girl for inappropriate touching, Francis turned it into an industry. Meanwhile, his fledgling, Ashley Dupre, is building an enormous career out of blowing a governor and administering yellow discipline to bird-faced Charlie Sheen. It’s like 6 degrees of separation. Ashley Dupre is the new Kevin Bacon.Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Girls Gone Wild video featuring Ashley. Now you can watch it from the comfort and privacy of your computer, huddled away in a dark corner late at night as the kids sleep, instead of sneakily watching those annoying GGW infomercials, toggling the channel button on the remote to quickly change to the Discovery Channel when your wife walks in.