Duke Of Web

Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Emanuel Lewis

Unless you missed him kicking David Spade’s ass in 2003’s Dicky Roberts: Child Star, you’d probably guess that Emmanuel Lewis was just another diminutive, bitter African-American former child star who’s growth was stunted by fetal alcohol syndrome. But that would mean you missed the TV magic that was Webster, a 1980’s sitcom starring Lewis as a black orphan taken in by former NFL star Alex Karras. Luckily for little Sahara Pitt-Jolie, adopted daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Lewis’s scarcity on TV as of late will mean that nobody will point out that she looks just like the midget former child star. Except we just did.

Dancing with the stars came back for it’s 6th season on Monday with the wackiest cast yet. First, there’s magician Penn Gillette, who apparently is trying to pull off his biggest trick yet: making his career disappear. Also joining the crew is missing link Adam Corolla, who was lucky enough to be paired with returning dancer Julianne Hough. Adam gave some creepy commentary on the Howard Stern Show this morning, explaining how he uses his knee to molest the unwitting 19-year-old blond bombshell under the guise of “dance practice.” The very limber Julianne can be seen here administering some type of weird ninja judo move to last year’s partner Apolo Ohno, olympic speed skating champ and purveyor of hip Dave Navarro-inspired facial hair (seen here enjoying what is surely a spectacular view). While it may appear she’s about to snap his neck with her powerful yet lovely thigh, unfortunately this did not happen.

Tyler Perry amazes us once again with his stunning originality. His groundbreaking portrayal of a large black woman in Meet The Browns, the latest in his blockbuster franchise about the trials and tribulations of an African-American family, is on level with a young Sidney Poitier. A black comedian in drag portrays multiple characters. Hilarity ensues. Sound familiar? It should. Eddie Murphy did it 12 years ago in The Nutty Professor. Martin Lawrence did it again in Big Mama’s House. To thwart claims of racial profiling we’ll throw in a few white guys to keep things fair. Dustin Hoffman did it 25 years ago in Tootsie followed by Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire. It’s like a fart. Funny the first time, but after 3 or 4 you just want to get the hell out of the car. The only redeeming quality of this movie is that it features stunning Latin tamale Sophia Vergara, seen here trying fruitlessly to contain her ample rack.

James Franco and John Holmes

James, seen here at the red carpet premier of Snow Angels, invokes the spirit of 70’s porn legend John Holmes with his badly groomed mustache and hooded leather jacket. The connection between these two entertainment giants is uncanny. Holmes had a giant tool, and Franco is a giant tool. OK, maybe he’s not a tool in real life but he’s real convincing in Spiderman.

Not really. But they should be. Benji, for dumping amazing piece of tail Sophie Monk to run around with gimp-eyed Paris. And Paris for…well, being Paris. The two trend setters are seen here exiting Maestros Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Monday. Maybe Benji has has finally realized veganism is bullshit and is embracing the primal need present in every man: the need to devour animal flesh. Fueled by meat, maybe Good Charlotte will produce some listenable music now. Also disturbing is the matching fedoras. I call for a congressional bill that stations government snipers atop every building within 50 miles of Los Angeles, taking out anyone under the age of 60 wearing a fedora. Sammy Davis Jr. was cool in a fedora. Kevin Federline, Justin Tiberlake, and Ashton Kutcher are not.