Duke Of Web

Jeff Keith From Tesla and Heidi Fleiss

Sorry, Keith. I am a child of the 80’s and a big Tesla fan, so I really hate to throw you under the bus like this. But you’re just one collagen injection away from becoming Heidi Fleiss.  This face works on you, because…well, you’re a dude.  While Tesla’s “Love Song” has probably gotten me laid a time or two,  I don’t want to bang you. Even if through the miracle of gender reassignment surgery you are gifted with a spectacular vagina. No offense bro.

Insider host Pat O’brien is reportedly being relieved of duty. Surely it had nothing to do with the creepy, sexually explicit, cocaine-induced Uncle Chester voice mail messages that surfaced last year, or his recent trip to rehab. His replacement is rumored to be none other than Donny Osmond, the man responsible for widespread gender confusion among young boys when he recorded “Puppy Love” in the 70’s. Pat and his magnificent Tom Selleck-like mustache will surely appear soon on one of the many D-list celebrity vehicles on Fox, where he’ll room with Screech or get a severe beating from the midget on Little People, Big World.

The trailer looked promising. After a fruitless search for the torrent, $12 was plunked down to see this epic in all of it’s cinematic glory on the big screen. Unfortunately, I left the theater feeling like I had just stepped in a big steaming pile of mammoth dung. In fairness, I wasn’t there….but I’m fairly certain prehistoric man didn’t maintain meticulously groomed goatees and speak in a haphazard dialect that sounded like a mashup of Edwardian English, West African and Tagalog. Not only were the human actors not very convincing, but the CGI rendered creatures moved with the liquidity of a claymation Gumby circa 1973. Come on Roland Emmerich. Jurassic Park was 15 years ago and had better CGI. You could have redeemed yourself by sticking Camilla Belle in a tiny loin cloth, but again, you failed to delight. There’s 90 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Along with co-host John Devore, Diana Falzone can be heard on Sirius satellite radio, Maxim channel 108 Monday through Friday, 7pm to 11pm EST. Besides being a down-to-earth and cool all-around chick who’s a little quirky, she’s also a spectacular piece of tail. She’s just like Don Imus! Except young, hot and talented.

Elliot Spitzer rightfully stepped down from his post as governor of New York today after getting busted sampling 22-year-old hooker box. Do we really want a politician running a state so fiscally irresponsible that he spent 4 grand on a piece of tail that he could have scored off Craigslist for 200 bucks? Especially comical was the subsequent press conference in which he gave a robotic, unemotional apology while his wife burned holes in the side of his head with her laser-like gaze. Now being seduced by young tang has been the plight of every man since the begining of time, so we can’t fault him for that. But being a hypocritical windbag who spent years prosecuting and destroying people for doing the same thing makes Spitzer our Tool Of The Day.